MY STORY

I grew up in Amsterdam with my two brothers, Dutch mother and Egyptian father. My parents divorced when I was 8, which had a great impact on our family. My parents, both loving us dearly, didn’t always align when it comes to raising us. My mother was soft, loving, many called her an Angel. My father was so much fun and dominant at the same time. They we’re in the business of selling organized trips to Egypt and my father directed us all to follow in his foot steps. Our life was about working hard and taking care of others. Constantly struggling and surviving.

When I got back from a holiday, which I hoped would solve my problems, I started crying on the toilet, the first day I got back at the office. This was the moment I realized I had a burn-out and needed to take responsibility for myself.

 

Years of self-development, life style changes and study followed. My life transformed. It was intense and drastic. During a session with my mentor I realized I needed to sell my business and dedicate my love, time and energy to contribute to a new world. Balancing the feminine and masculine energy world wide. Having no clue what I would do, I sabotaged myself for years.

 

Despite the sabotage I was healthy, happy and got married. I was ready to become a mother, and on the day of our wedding, I told my husband that I was pregnant. It was a beautiful period and I prepared profoundly for my upcoming birth. My son’s birth was exactly how I imagined it to be. At home, only my husband and midwife being present. I’ve birthed my son in the water without any intervention. It was a dream come true. What I didn’t know at the time is that I was losing tons of blood. I had an extreme hemorrhage and the months that followed got darker and darker. I didn’t sleep for days, old trauma came up, I felt extremely depressed, my business was in trouble, got very sick due to a double breast infection and couldn’t continue breastfeeding which I wanted so badly. I couldn’t surrender in any way and important relationships we’re about to collapse. I’ve never felt this helpless and lost in my whole life. Trough self care, love and especially acceptance and surrender I started to get better, but I wasn’t there yet. During these months I realized how big this initiation into motherhood is. How it can take you out of your biggest power or put you right in it.

And how little attention there is for this massive transformation and extremely important period in the life of a birthing mother. Within our Western society, most focus is on the medical and material part of becoming a parent. But there is more. I felt then and there that this is one of the things I need to work on, to make a change. To contribute to a society where we put birthing mothers in their greatest power and balancing feminine and masculine energy. I learned about ancient rituals, initiations, sexuality and how to restore our connection with the mother of all, earth.

 

I slowly started to get stronger, but then I accidentally got pregnant again only 5 months after birthing my first. I was in shock, not feeling ready at all to birth another baby. My husband and I decided to accept everything that comes our way, including the blessing of this new baby. This pregnancy was different. I didn’t feel good, stopped working immediately and felt the urge to be with other pregnant women, focusing on all that I’ve learned before. The spiritual and energetic part of birth. I couldn’t find a place with all that I was longing for, so in a split second I decided that I would create it. I immediately felt that this was my son’s work. Guiding my on my path, after sabotaging myself for so long.

 

My pregnancy continued with sickness and loss of blood. Eventually he was born at 20 weeks on my own birthday. For a while he kept fighting to stay alive in my arms, but after a few hours I felt his soul leaving his body. I was extremely calm and powerful during the process that followed. Everything that I’ve learned and practiced has helped me greatly to fully accept this loss, feel why this has happened and what I could learn from this event.

I kept receiving sign from the universe during this process which have helped me greatly to commit to the acceptance. To name one, a black bird flew in my house and circled above my head, only 2 hours before he was born. The spiritual meaning of a black birth is “the messenger of death”. Together we’ve created ritual for his burial and during the months that followed I found my healing within. Spending my days communicating with his soul, making space for all my tears, feeling the grief and through it, turning this darkness in to light.

 

Although I found acceptance there was trauma in my body and knew I needed to seek help to transform it. Only 3 months after his birth I got invited to an Ayahuasca retreat. This medicine has helped me many times before, but I felt resistance. Was I strong enough to go through this? I sat with myself and asked myself what my truth about this medicine was? I concluded that it was nature’s medicine and that it was the exact right thing to do. Trusting that this was right I travelled to the Swiss mountains to start my journey. When I arrived there, I saw a sign with the name of the mountain on it, “Heidiland”. I knew right away that I was on the right path. It turned out to be the exact thing I needed. Coming back home I felt the strong urge to learn more about this medicine.

 

A plant medicine and chakra psychology study crossed my path shortly after and I decided that this was for me. Knowing that I needed to fully purify myself if I want to contribute my love, time and energy for the healing and expansion of others. The months that followed have transformed me. I’ve expanded and I’m creating from the depth of my soul. The study had directed me on a new path and I’m currently setting up a program for plant medicine preparation and integration. I'm living from a place of surrender, fueled by the connection to my own sexual energy.

 

My sons messages and directions were clear and I’m gracefully following them.

Months after his loss I’ve resumed one of the projects he’s guided me to set up, The Pregnancy Wisdom Retreat. I’m now creating from a place of surrender and honestly, magic happens from there. 

 

Thank you son

Thank you universe